Self-Love

The occurrence of this card may indicate a lonely, unhappy inner child.. It’s become a bit of a New Age cliche to talk about your “inner child.” But this aspect of the psyche is as real as any bodily organ. A few years ago I had an experience of an unhappy inner child breaking through and it was shocking, devastating, but ultimately healing and my inner communication since then has been much more open. Like a tree that has rings within it that remain from its earlier seasons, the adult psyche seems to be a superimposition of new layers on top of earlier personalities which continue to exist within. The inner child often embodies our emotional self, a self that is less conditioned, closer to our essence, and that is more independent of all the compromises and adaptations we have made to function as adults in the world. While your adult ego may be busy thinking and laboriously trying to navigate through all the practical problems of the adult world, your inner child lives closer to feelings, and is more concerned with love, nurture and imaginative play. It may want to rebel from the stern disciplines, suppression of feeling, and [...]

What is the source of your suffering? Feel compassion for yourself and for others in the world who suffer. Sometimes there is a fine line between indulging self-pity, negative tape loops and their associated feelings and authentic suffering, necessary sorrow. Chogyam Trungpa believed that the ideal state for the warrior is broken-heartedness. Sometimes sorrow is what we need to feel, or what someone else is feeling, and we or they need to feel the sorrow as deeply as possible. I’ve always preferred anguish and deep sorrow to depression. It is much better to face the sorrow, feel it as deeply as possible and move on, rather than trying to mitigate or medicate it, which only encourages it to turn into lingering depression.

We are so often our own worst enemy, locking ourselves into humiliating habits of self-punishment and abuse. A great principle of common sense is that if you try something that doesn’t work for you, and you try it again and again and again and it still doesn’t work for you, then try something else. One way of defining a neurotic tape loop of thought and behavior is the tendency to do the same thing over and over while continuing to expect a different result than what you’ve been getting. Often the self-punishment is imposed because of perfectionism — we hold ourselves up to our model of perfection, find ourselves lacking and abuse ourselves with excessive restrictions or indulgences. Excess asceticism, galling attempts at self-discipline, often lead to their opposite — a self-destructive binge of some sort. Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and this is especially true for relationship history and histories of neurotic self-abuse. Don’t do anything that compromises your inner dignity. Don’t hold yourself up to standards and harsh self-criticism that you wouldn’t impose on another person you cared about. Take the occurrence of this card as permission to forgive yourself. Don’t punish [...]

Self-acceptance cannot be postponed until you feel you are good enough, untill you have reached your ideal weight, idealized romantic relationship or other images of success. Even if you achieved such things you would need to keep the cyanide capsules close at hand because any of these things can be taken away. When will you be good enough to accept yourself? Some people don’t accept themselves until they are on their deathbeds, and even at the end many are filled with self-loathing and self-rejection. Perfectionists hold themselves to standards they would not apply to others. But such severe self-criticism does not usually enhance performance or efficiency; more often it undermines these pursuits. By excessive self-criticism we lower our morale and self-esteem diminishing our enthusiasm for life. Self-acceptance is not the same as narcissistic grandiosity, it is simply recognizing yourself for being alive, for continuing to deal with the rigors of human incarnation, and for whatever else you are able to accomplish beyond that. You may be doing better than you think. Forget the sterilizing severity of perfectionism; self-acceptance is necessary to your wellbeing, the core from which you can be of service to the world. Self-acceptance can be a moment-to-moment [...]

Self-acceptance cannot be postponed until you feel you are good enough, untill you have reached your ideal weight, idealized romantic relationship or other images of success. Even if you achieved such things you would need to keep the cyanide capsules close at hand because any of these things can be taken away. When will you be good enough to accept yourself? Some people don’t accept themselves until they are on their deathbeds, and even at the end many are filled with self-loathing and self-rejection. Perfectionists hold themselves to standards they would not apply to others. But such severe self-criticism does not usually enhance performance or efficiency; more often it undermines these pursuits. By excessive self-criticism we lower our morale and self-esteem diminishing our enthusiasm for life. Self-acceptance is not the same as narcissistic grandiosity, it is simply recognizing yourself for being alive, for continuing to deal with the rigors of human incarnation, and for whatever else you are able to accomplish beyond that. You may be doing better than you think. Forget the sterilizing severity of perfectionism; self-acceptance is necessary to your wellbeing, the core from which you can be of service to the world. Self-acceptance can be a moment-to-moment [...]

M. Scott Peck has an interesting definition of love: “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Someone once said that, “Love is cool, it is not hot.” It is crucial to distinguish love from passion, infatuation, codependence and sentimentality. It is also said that love is a verb, not a noun. What you love is what you spend time on. Sometime in the Nineties an eighty-year-old woman, who was a Jungian analyst, gave a talk I attended in Boulder. At the end of her talk there were questions from the audience and the first one came from a young woman. “Now that you are an elder,” asked the young woman, “what can you tell me as a young woman about love?” The elder woman replied, “When I was your age I was desperately trying to be loved. But now I know that it is better to simply be love.” A few love quotes: “In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.” — Margaret Anderson “You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing [...]

Self-acceptance cannot be postponed till you feel you are good enough, till you have reached your ideal weight, idealized romantic relationship or other images of success. Even if you achieved such things you would need to keep the cyanide capsules close at hand because any of these things can be taken away. When will you be good enough to accept yourself? Some people don’t accept themselves until they are on their death beds, and even at the end many are filled with self-loathing and self-rejection. Perfectionists hold themselves to standards they would not apply to others. But such severe self-criticism does not usually enhance performance or efficiency; more often it undermines these pursuits. By excessive self-criticism we lower our morale and self-esteem diminishing our enthusiasm for life. Self-acceptance is not the same as narcissistic grandiosity, it is simply recognizing yourself for being alive, for continuing to deal with the rigors of human incarnation, and for whatever else you are able to accomplish beyond that. You may be doing better than you think. Forget the sterilizing severity of perfectionism; self-acceptance is necessary to your well being, the core from which you can be of service to the world. Self acceptance can [...]

You must take responsibility for your own healing — physical, psychological, and spiritual. Begin by forgiving yourself and accepting the parts of yourself you don’t approve of. The cosmos tends to support those who are vigorously trying to help themselves. We live in a culture where it is considered normal to turn responsibility for your physical and mental health over to others. The pharmaceutical industry prefers that we use their products to address symptoms rather than look deeper into our condition. We are continually bombarded with seductive advertising for food-like substances that are addicting and toxic. To be healthy and empowered requires that you assert your judgment over these prevailing trends. Do your own research and ask health professionals informed questions. Don’t let strangers into your body. If you are being prescribed a drug, research it and be sure you understand the risks. Read food labels carefully, and make prudent judgment calls about what foods, drinks and intoxicants you allow into your body. No pill or modality of therapy can heal your psyche while you passively go along with the program. Authentic healing requires that you be an empowered participant in the process. Consider this a propitious time to take [...]

Romantic fantasies often become like a spell or an enchantment that can put us to sleep or freeze up our lives for long seasons of unfulfilled desire. The fantasy becomes like the thick plate-glass window of a storefront. Inside the window is the glittering bauble, the Hottie, Mr.or Miss Right, the romantic fantasy — which may be interpersonal or some other great fantasy we have not fulfilled — and we are like the hungry street urchin, our gaze forever mesmerized by the unobtainable precious inside the store. Some never awaken from the spell or enchantment. In Dickens’ Great Expectations, one of the main characters is Miss Havisham, a wealthy spinster who had been stood up at the altar. Although the betrayal happened decades before we meet her, she remains wedded to her disappointed romantic fantasy and flits about her darkened house in her faded wedding dress, the decaying wedding feast still on the table, and all the clocks stopped at twenty minutes to nine (the time she learned of the betrayal). Film versions of the novel have portrayed her as very elderly, but Dicken’s notes indicate that she is only in her mid-fifties. Her stillborn life away from sunlight has [...]

M. Scott Peck has an interesting definition of love: “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Someone once said that, “Love is cool, it is not hot.” It is crucial to distinguish love from passion, infatuation, codependence and sentimentality. It is also said that love is a verb, not a noun. What you love is what you spend time on. Sometime in the Nineties an eighty-year-old woman, who was a Jungian analyst, gave a talk I attended in Boulder. At the end of her talk there were questions from the audience and the first one came from a young woman. “Now that you are an elder,” asked the young woman, “what can you tell me as a young woman about love?” The elder woman replied, “When I was your age I was desperately trying to be loved. But now I know that it is better to simply be love.” A few love quotes: “In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.” — Margaret Anderson “You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing [...]